Do you remember that saying you used to tell me? The one that went "one 'awe, shit' wipes out a hundred 'atta-boys'?" Did you know that I have very few happy memories with you, but many, many terrible memories of pain, abuse and shame?
Do you remember the time that you spanked me for peeing my bed? Do you realize that I had just had a nightmare about finding my dead father?
Do you remember the time I was 5 years old and you spanked me so hard with your hair brush that it broke? Then you blamed me for breaking the brush, and used your leather belt on me instead?
Do you remember the time when you left us with an inattentive babysitter who didn't notice that I ate a whole pack of cheese slices and became sick? Did you know that's why I don't like cheese? Why did you never believe me when I told you about that?
Do you remember when I was six years old, and didn't want to finish my food because it was cold, so you told me to put it in the microwave for a minute, but I accidentally pushed 10 minutes, and got a spanking for it?
Do you remember the hundred or so beatings you gave me simply because I didn't get good enough grades, starting in first grade? Do you really wonder why I tried to hide report cards, when I knew I'd be beaten shortly after handing it to you?
Do you remember when you beat me for defending myself from physical attacks from my sisters? Did you know that's why I never stopped Andrea from pulling my ear, because I was afraid you'd beat me?
Do you remember the time when you didn't know which one of your children did something wrong, and no one would confess, so you took us into your bedroom one-by-one, starting with me? Do you remember that you spanked me several times with a leather belt trying to get me to confess, but I didn't do it? Do you remember that you then took Andrea into the bedroom, and without any spanking, she confessed? Do you remember that because she confessed, you decided she didn't deserve a spanking? I don't even remember what it was that she did, do you?
Do you remember throwing away my boy scout project because I didn't make the cuts straight enough? Did you know that I had no idea that I wasn't making straight cuts because I was only a child?
Do you remember the many times you collected and threw away all of my books because you said I read too much? What child reads too much?
Do you remember the time, when I was 11 years old, and you literally picked me up and drop-kicked me out of the house? Do you remember when that young couple found me early the next morning, trying to sleep in a phone booth, and had the decency to take me to their bishop, who recognized me and called you in the middle of the night? Do you know how scared I was when I came home?
Do you remember beating me with my own belt many, many time? Do you know how humiliating it was every time that happened?
Do you remember when other students saw the welts across my butt and legs in gym class, and called social services to report the abuse? Did you know that I told them you didn't abuse me because I feared that if I did, I'd be abused further?
Do you remember the time I told you "No, I won't allow you to spank me?" Do you remember that after that, there were no more spankings, and instead of belts it was fists? Do you remember lifting me up by my ears and smashing my head against the wall hard enough to put a hole in the drywall?
Do you remember how I would spend most of my time in my bedroom instead of spending time with the family? Did you know that I was constantly in fear of you, unsure if my words or actions would anger you enough to hurt me?
Do you know that you made me feel as if I shouldn't exist. Do you remember telling me that I'd be in jail as soon as I turn 18 years old, because I had a problem with authority? Do you remember calling Mexicans "stupid beaners", knowing that I'm half Mexican?
Do you know that's why I don't keep in contact with you? Do you know that these memories are why I've kept your grandchildren from knowing you?
Do you feel any remorse at all? Is there anything you did that you regret? Could you acknowledge that you abused me?
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